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I write about love and about how I want to give it wholeheartedly. I've never told anyone how I want to receive it. I want it unabashedly proud. Confident like "here hold this for a lifetime" and he's handing me his heart. Open like tell me about your day with your eyes. Wonderful...like how did I get so lucky.. Let me pinch her to make sure she's real. And I am. I want to be loved by a man with such intensity that I forget I've ever felt unloved. I want to forget the pain I felt at the thought that I would never be. To be is to be with someone who lives and loves so much that you forget that life has a dark side. -I wrote this in 2016 Me in 2018- I was looking for someone to love me the way I'm supposed to love myself.

2018

Whew, It's been a while. I cringe at some of my old posts. I thought about deleting them, but nah, it'll serve as a reminder of where I came from. I've come a long way I think. It's been about two years since I posted on here, and I want to start and actually keep it up, but we all know how that goes. I may have to set reminders in my phone. Update on me: I'm still learning how to love myself. Once I get that down, I think everything else will fall into place.

Working

I'm working on a project. It's been a whole year since I last posted something but things have changed so much. A lot of issues happening..dealing with race, gender, feelings. It's a lot. It's overwhelming...and it's overwhelming me but I feel like a lot of times. If I don't post the information..nobody in my area would know. So it's equally overwhelming and frustrating. But I will keep on. There are a lot of viewpoints that disagree with the views of my own and I'm ok with that. We aren't the same people and we have our own minds, own thoughts. I encourage people to come up with opinions on their own. Maybe do their own research on matters but idk. 

History

I was thinking earlier about how much I love History and how I try to learn more every chance I get. I had this thought. It's in the bible *not exactly in these words* that there is nothing new that is happening or will happen under the sun. So I connected this to our history. History and future are one in the same. If nothing new is happening, then the things that happened in the past are going to happen again. So..knowing your history means you also know your future..for the most part. Life does throw those curveballs every now and then 

MoodChanges

I blame the moon. For being full of it. I wish the parents would take responsibility for their own behavior. I wish people would realize there's more to life than just living. There's dreaming...and that's where you really live. We all live within our dreams. With or in them. This is not a poem for wishful thinkers. This is a thought for wistful thinkers. I remember when I could dream without regrets. Remember when every dream was just a thought away? It's been so long. Since I've really dreamed. I used to dream about being free. Writing my heart out on chocolate covered backs...that's a poem in the makin. But first I gotta get over this hump. I think it's called Wednesday. 

Nonsense

I kept thinking about this poem I want to write. It begins like this.. Nothing much, In a world of nothingness I am everything. But in this world where there's everything. I am nothing. I was nothing. But to you..who have nothing. I have everything. Am I shallow. Or am I deep. My eyes pool with emotions. And then I get angry and quit. No more trying because this shit is worthless. Everybody expects Krystal to be clear. My mind is full of static. And it's so frustrating. Shocking even. This is how my poems end up. Unfinished. Like everything else in my life. I'm not sure If you realized this but the poem began and ended with nothing. My whole life is a big never mind..it's nothing.

What if...

This whole world is filled with What ifs. Our lives are filled with those moments where we make decisions that could have the potential to torment us for the rest of our lives if we allow it to happen. Luckily this post isn't about regrets..it's about questions. I had this idea today while heading home from work. A full day of 22 four and five year olds. I wondered if what if what we are is an idea. What if our whole world is someone's idea. You could use God for this if need be. It might get my thoughts conveyed to y'all a little better. Imagine God is a person...you. Where do your thoughts come from. What about your dreams. What if we're just a dream and every death is just a God waking up. I'm not finished with this by a long shot but I'm done dreaming for the day